I'm not racist, I just crush a lot. Get it? Biggie. Biggie said that....whatever. If you had an iliac crest bone in your body, you'd know. Ha get it? Hip bone? Being Hip? Hip-hop? Hop scotch? Osh kosh bekosh. Overalls. Underwear? Under there.
I live by myself, which is amazing. I went from living with three best friends to living with my true best friend, myself. Guess what though...I'm tired of what my roommate has to say and by the end of the day, I want to relax with someone who doesn't share the same clothes and teeth as I do.
The problem with that, though...is I know like three people here. I know more but I've met many people that are out of my age group or out of my interests group. So I figured, lemme try good 'ol Craig and his list. I tried the list Shindler came up with before, but it wasn't exactly helpful.
Boy oh boy did I find some badass living situations here for half the price I am paying now. I pay many monies for the closet I live in. It is under 400 sqft..So I began the search. I saw plenty of excellent places, shot them an email with all the information they asked....nothing. Then I realized it, people aren't responding well to the idea of a guy named Omar Abdulhadi being their roommate. I shared my concerns with my lovely coworker, Allison. She's of course a lovely tall pretty blonde who probably has never encountered similar issues, so her advice (which I thought at the time was great) was shit. Absolute shit. "Omar, just send them a picture of yourself so that they see your a normal person." What a shit idea, Al. ( I began calling her Al, Big Al, Capone to increase insecurities to the best of my ability. Everyone should be insecure) I found a girl with a great house in a great neighborhood who responded to my text about the open room! "Sounds great! Tell me a little bit about yourself, name, job, age?" I answered it all, and topped it off with a picture of myself. No answer. Now I can only assume she was NOT a fan of my name, my age, my job, and definitely not my looks.
"Maybe she thought you were cute and she thought living with you might be hard on her," said Al. To paint a better picture of Al, she was holding her nose because the people around her were "too smelly" as she was saying this.
"Fuck you, Al."
I went to my first National Sales Meeting in Orlando on my 4th week on the job. For this specific conference, we were required to shack up with another roommate. They have a system for this, either room with someone you know...or send a request to another Rep from a list of names. I saw a bunch of Garcias and Patels and Yengs.... I kept scrolling. Keeping in mind some of my best friends in college were Mexican, Indian, and mixes. I stopped at the gem of a name. I knew this would be my roommate. The name? Thomas Connors....Are you kidding me? That's the most caucasian name I've ever even heard of. Roommate request sent. I was excited, I was about to go to my first NSM with a white dude. No offense to other races, I just didn't want someone from a different country who barely knew the business on the state side or possibly even the language. At least not at my first NSM....in doing this, I forgot that my name is what it is. Two days later, I got an email. THOMAS CONNORS REJECTED YOUR REQUEST, PLEASE FIND ANOTHER ROOMMATE. Fuck Thomas Connors.
Weeks go by and I have to spend a month in Minneapolis for corporate training. I made some great friends there (that'll be another story.) One of the best friends I made goes by the name Tom. I knew we were going to be the best of friends after he referred to people in Zone C on Southwest flights as "mutants," all while asking me to stop eating boiled eggs next to him because the smell was too much. It sounds like he is fancy...because of his distaste for boiled-egg breath...but to be fair, my mouth hole was literally ventilating the egg fumes directly in his face. Anyway, the group had a couple days left and we were celebrating each other's company before we all went to our respected territories. I begin telling Tom and the clan about how my accidental racism backfired as the roommate request I sent got denied....That's when I realized who the fuck Tom was. He was Thommas Connors. He immediately starts to share a "similar" story, but of how he turned down a request.
Moral of the story is fuck Al, fuck Tom, and above all...fuck Craig.
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