The first rule in the Blog Writing seminar I took in the abandoned Greenville mall was, obviously:
Don't Write About Cheese Flavored Edibles.
The second rule you ask? The second rule was the following:
If You Choose to Write About Cheese Flavored Edibles, Make Sure It is a One Time Occurrence.
Well fuck the rules and fuck that seminar at the Greenville Mall that I made up. (Is the mall still there?)
Some of my millions of fans may be worried. "Oh no, Omar ran out of shit to talk about." I want to assure you that I have plenty of nonsense to talk about, but if you see repetition from me...you better take some fucking notes because shit be important.
The important thing to know about Cheese-It is that not every Cheese-It is created equal. Just like humans. I'd say the reduced fat Cheese Its are 3/8ths as worthy of the regular Cheese It. Some are looking for a healthier option...so they take the 3/8ths Cheese It compromise. Then you have the Hot and Spicy. Boy oh boy are those delicious. I'd be willing to rub parts of me with this flavor if it didn't burn so damn good. I don't even like Tabasco sauce, and I love this one. Then you have the white cheddar....they're not my fave. They aren't terrible. If they are your favorite, I imagine you living an extraordinary average life enjoying things like Burn Notice, and other USA network originals. You probably prefer movies such as Scorpion King featuring the one and only, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Seriously though, I know 60 percent of you watch that garbage....How do you do it?
We get it, you like the cheese snacks Omar...what's the point. The point is that Cheese Nips are fucking disgusting. I have proof...
My favorite female in the world right now is my beautiful niece, Raya. Raya came out of my sister with the attitude of Whoopy Goldberg in Sister Act 2. She has a stronger personality than her two older brothers. I always love the most recent kid the most, and I like to remind the older ones of this. Raya is kid number three and my favorite. Then there is Juode. I'm never quite sure how to spell his name, but I don't think he is old enough to know either. I love him half as much as Raya. Then there is Riad...he is 6 now. So mathematically, I love him half as much as Juode, or a quarter as much as Raya. Nothing against the kids, its just math.
I'll go into detail later. I just want to leave you with what a civilized human does when presented with those gross ass Cheese Nips. This is my beautiful Raya. I love her with my hearts and farts because, not only is she blood, but she shares the same mentality as the rest of us Cheese It lovers. My sister, in her carelessness when it comes to grocery shopping, bought those shit squares I speak so ill of. Enjoy.
Allow me translate for you Non-Arabic speaking folk:
Baby: Goo goo. Ga ga.
Mom: Where's baby Raya?! Why did you get upset?
Baby: Wait a sec....Dafuq dis is? AHHH!
Mom: You throwin food on the ground? Why the hell you throwing food on the ground?
Baby: Cuz fuk yo food and these nasty ass cheese shits. I'd rather snort the fake powder cheese from a Krafts mac n cheese box.
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