Seat 34DD

I've been flying a lot, and boy are my arms smart! Fo realz though. Today I flew from Portland to Medford (45min,) worked for 45 minutes, then hopped on a plane home. Real quick side note... Where the flux is a brotha supposed to put a goddamn comma with a parenthesis?, 

Anyways, this crossword-cheating, obese mutant comes and plops down next to me, takes one look at me, grunts, and puts on a mask. She literally left wherever she came from, travelled to the airport, went through the airport, went through the plane, got to this seat next to me, THEN looks at me and decides "Now's a good time to put on this mask." I have enough trouble with the TSA. I WOULD APPRECIATE SOME DECENCY ONCE I GET ON THE PLANE. She is currently sitting next to me, and 80% of me wants her to be as nosy as I am and to read this as I type it. The other 40% is water. Water that is full of molecules that also want this bitch to read how much I despise her.

I've had this fantasy since I was a kid that I'd sit next to a beautiful girl on an airplane. "I love the way your arm hair continues to your knuckle hair," she would flirt. 

I'd say something witty yet romantic like, "Thanks."

I've flown from Orlando to Portland. Charleston to Chicago. Seattle to Atlanta. New York to Jordan. 16B. Who is in 16A? The definition of Type 2 diabetes. 7D. Who is in 7C and 7E? The Indian onion salesman who is playing barefoot footsie with himself and a character from Ahh! real monsters. That's who is fucking next to me at all times. I get these peasants, and they get the privilege of sitting next to the ethnic Bradley Cooper. 

I will meet Miss 13A to my 13B....its destiny. Time for a side story real quick! I was going to Jordan one time when I was 9 years old. I had this irrational fear of flying as a kid...mostly because I was just a scared little bitch. Well my brother and sister rented a movie from Blockbuster days before our trip. That movie was Final Destination. No matter how bad I wanted to, my sister would NOT let me watch the movie with them. So I went to bed and played with Omar. I knew why she wouldn't let me watch it. I knew it was because this movie HAD to have some brief nudity in it. I was determined. I was gonna see me at least 2 boobs. I'd have been much happier with a larger number like 6 or 7... But, I wasn't greedy. The next morning, I woke up early, popped the movie in the VCR and hit play. Spoiler alert. The movie begins with the most vivid, horrific, explosive plane crash I've ever witnessed. My sister was trying to protect me from my fear, not boobs. Needless to say, I was scared shitless and as a consequence always think of plane crashes at the sight of a woman's bust. 

Anyway, the bitch next to me just ordered a ginger ale. I'm interested in seeing how she's going to drink it through her mask. I'm gonna dip my finger in her drink.