I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of lying to my dentist. It’s already awkward to lie to someone’s face. But to lie to them while you are parallel with the floor and they are within frenching distance from you with a flashlight on their head looking into your lying mouth is a whole other level of awkward.
Why did I tell him I’ve been flossing everyday. I know it’s not true and he definitely knows it’s not true. The amount of blood that squirted out at him when he barely touched my gums was enough evidence. That and the fact that my bottom row of choppers have fused into a single tooth. Imagine a bench style seat over captain seats in your mom’s minivan growing up.
I laid there and thought about the last time I actually flossed. Then I realized... I don’t think I have ever once in my life purchased floss. I started crying when I realized the last time “I flossed” was at my last dental appointment when they flossed my teeth for me.
“Why are you crying” asks Dr. Dentist.
“Because you don’t believe me” lied me.
I forgot to set up a dentist appointment in 2017, so that means one full year without the pleasures of slingshotting barbed wire between my beautiful pearls and stabbing them into my baby gums.
What a dumb design flaw the human mouth turned out to be anyway....
“Here take these bones. No we aren’t going to protect them with skin or fat. Yea totally exposed. Let’s jam some nerves in them too. We will do two rows. No nothing in between the rows, they will come to meet in the middle and grind. Well maybe we can put an ultra sensitive pink flesh filet in between them. Yes, we will allow that organ? muscle? to be able to extend past the sharp bone grinders and be chomped down on and become tenderized. No, the grinders will fall out of the idiots’ heads when they turn 8 years old. Exactly-we will replace the evenly spaced baby ones with 17 extra passengers and overlap them so there is no room in between them. Oh- MAKE SURE to have four of these bones UNDER the baby gum skin but let them continue to grow until it penetrates through the brain. We will call them the wisdoms. Yea I think we’re done. Let’s just make sure we end this construction with a tunnel for food storage. Just make sure it forks off so the food could potentially travel down to the breathing tube and kill the idiot. Perfect.”
He knows I’m lying, I’m sure of it. But I won’t back down. What am I supposed to do now?
“Hey Doc, I was lying to you.” ??
He’d kill himself. Dentists are sensitive like that..
