I locked myself out of my house. I'm currently sitting on the front porch wondering of ways to get in. My neighbors of this building are collaborating on collectively ignoring my calls/texts/knocks. My landlord is playing along. It is 12:30 at night, and i am trying to figure out if sleeping outside is an option. Those zombies who smell and collect cans into shopping carts for a living camp all the time... I'm sure I can too. As I sit here thinking of how stupid I am, let's go on this journey of other stupid thoughts I've had over the years.
I used to cry as a kid from the fear of getting pregnant. Not getting a girl pregnant...but of me getting pregnant. Looked awful and it still does.
I thought the word was cegular phone until middle school.
Thought getting paid salary meant one big paycheck a year.
Believed in Santa. As a Muslim kid. With Muslim parents telling me he wasn't real.
Used to think praying had an affect on sports games.
I had a Friend who thought chicken wings were the same thing has drumsticks....just from smaller chickens. He didn't realize that the wing was from the actual wing of the chicken.
He also broke his foot walking backwards
He wasn't even doing anything special, just walking backwards.
Let's talk about this guy actually....
This one time in college, my friends and I (grammar win) thought it would be hilarious to be drunk and dependent on alcohol for four years. I always like to clarify that I'm joking here..college took me five years.
One time, during the five years of college (five and a half) I turned 21. My birthday falls on May 5th. Every single year. That is literally Christmas for the Mexicans...so EVERYONE who is anyone straps a sombrero on their head and drinks tequila abusively and almost offensively in celebration of Cinco de Omar.
On the 21st anniversary of my release date, we rallied the troops and went out to the one and only 5 points in Columbia SC. We were a classy bunch of idiots. Half of us using fake IDs to get in, and the other half of grown ass men that were hanging out with us adolescents. For what reason? No clue. My only assumption was that their lives were nowhere where they needed to be at their age so they decided to hang out with toddlers to remove the responsibility of self guilt. Like seriously, me and the other underaged kids were showing these senior citizens how to have a good time.
Well this one idiot friend of mine...we will just call him Shomas Roskoritch for privacy reasons...he was one of these 30 year olds hanging out with us on this wonderful night. We made it to one bar, a group of 10-15 of us. One bar. That's it. We were trashed. What do you do when you're trashed? You bar hop to show the rest of 5 points how trashed you are. So we are on our way to bar number 2. I don't remember the name of it because it is Columbia SC and it doesn't matter. There's a long line, we get in this line and we "wait." Our version of waiting in line while drunk was screaming obscenities and borderline racist things at each other. That's when Weston decides to rough house with Lomas Costcovitch. Some of you may not know who these friends are, so let me paint a picture.
Weston, we will call him Wes to honor his anonymity, at this time in his life is what I would describe as Big Bird going through his seventh round of chemotherapy. He was 42 at this time. He was in a phase where he was shaving his head....not at all sure why. Especially since he would wear a super cancery fishing hat on top of it.
Womas Zoskostitch was identical to John Belushi in Animal House. At the time, he was a big boy. Komas Woskowitch used to think it was hilarious to gain a bunch of weight then lose it all seven times a year.
So anyway, Big Bird and Beelushi were horseplaying and pushing each other when Bulechey shoves Big Bird straight into the store front window of some furniture store! Big Bird crashes right through backwards, shattering a glass window as big as the store itself. He is now sitting indian style with his ass in the furniture store, and his feet still hanging out on the 5 points sidewalk. Downtown was obviously packed tonight because of cinco de mayo and finals are over. The alaram is going off, and about 40 people in line are all giving us their undivided attention. There were screams, there were gasps, every single person was staring at us and all you could hear was the alarm.
It took us one second.... We peaced the fuck out of there. Everyone...with zero regard to each other. Everyman for themselves is the lives we found out we lived in a time of panic. Not a single person second guessed it. This was one of those character molding events in your life...and we all failed miserably. We scattered like cockroaches...going in 12 different directions. People were pointing at us, as we screamed it wasn't us...Laughing the entire way.
Magically, all but one of us end up at a bar down the street laughing and celebrating our antics with more liquid sense. All but one person....that one person you ask? Wait did you ask? I couldn't hear you if you did, I just kinda assumed you did. Well, I was kinda hoping you did. It would be a pretty good indicator that you are paying attention. I can barely pay enough attention to finish writing this....I started writing this about three months ago. I decided to continue because I'm on a plane, and forgot to download a movie. Also, my nose just bled for a good thirty minutes. It was very awkward for my plane neighbors. I pressed the button for the stewardess to tend to my needs and to get me some napkins. I was obviously trying to stop blood from dripping on my face and all over the plane and was clearly asking her for napkins...and she says "what can I get you sir?"
What the fuck do you think I need? I'm aggressively leaking out of one of the five holes in my head, and you think I may potentially want pretzels? I need napkins...
And pretzels, please. I really like the mustard flavored ones that they have on this airline. Delta may have the best ginger snap cookies, but United has the BEST pretzels.
You guessed right! Flomas Viskostich! He was nowhere to be found. Later, we learn the following.....
Cromas Ploskowrench was weaving in and out of the alleys in downtown Columbia trying to escape out of fear of getting in trouble. He was a drunk rat in a maze. He was stripping his sweater off and getting rid of his hat so police would be looking for the wrong description as they search for who destroyed this store front window. He is trying to escape and calling one of our most unreliable friends to come get him. Tummis Voskostitch was going crazy on the phone because our unreliable friend didn't want to come pick him up because they just got food and were about to most likely Netflix and Get High off over priced Columbia, SC brick weed. He finally persuades unreliable friend to come get him....and as he gets off the phone realizes he is lost in this maze. He finally makes it out...and he ends up right next to the store that he just pushed Deathbed Big Bird through. Returned to the scene of the crime by his drunken stupidity.
Rest in Peace Trosko. I think he's still mad at me because this one time i dropped my cigarettes in the river and threw them in his drier to dry them so I can effiecently smoke them. I fell asleep, didn't realize his clothes were in there. Wet Cigarettes don't hold well in driers. He had tobacco weaved in every article of clothing for many months. It made me happy.
Also this other time, he cut his hand really bad by doing dishes. He wasn't good at dishes, so this also made me really happy. He made that ogre sized friend of mine and me take him to a Doc in the Box. He was frightened the whole way, because he definitely needed stitches. Me and ogre brought a family sized box of Cheeze-Its with us, laughing the entire time.
RIP Costco
