Ibn Kelb
Son of a bitch is what that means. Arabic insults are my absolute favorite. Allah yakhrabetek. May god destroy your house. Allah ya sawad wij'hak. May god blacken your face. What kinda racist ass bullshit is that? But Ibn Kelb, that's son of a bitch. Kelb technically means dog...but you get the idea.
So you now understand why I found it so great that my mom calls my best friend since 1st grade "Kelb" instead of his Christian god given name, Caleb. (she also used to call my friend "Doug" by the creative name, "Dog." Lovely woman.)
So let me tell you about this little first grade boy that I loved. Not now. I mean the boy I love isn't currently in first grade. I'm not gay. I feel like I have to keep reminding you guys. I need it to be clear....he is older now. I was also in first grade when I fell in love with my first best friend.
That's a lie, my first best friend's name was Thomas and he was deaf. I honestly haven't thought about Thomas in 21 years until I was typing this....Psht, what a shitty friend he is. He didn't even congratulate me on my homeroom class in 7th grade won a pizza party for perfect attendance in the 4th quarter of school. F You Thomas.
CALEB, I met him on the playground in first grade during recess. I remember playing on the spiral ladder/slide? I guess that's what that is. I played on it probably super inappropriately by straddling my legs around it wiping my privates on it the whole way down rotating like I was grinding on a spiral noodle trying to wipe all the marinara sauce off with my groin. All while singing "Don't break my heart" by Miley Cyrus' birth father. That's when he saw me across the playground. He came running with his smooth child legs and asked me if I wanted to play.
"You bet your fucking sweet ass I want to play." I declared.
And lemme tell you... we played. and played and played. The funny thing is, its as if I never knew that this was the same kid who sat next to me in class since the beginning of the school year (6 months prior.) But we saw each other in a new light that day on the playground and we wanted to bring the playing back inside from recess.
So we did. Caleb reached under the desk and slapped the top of my hand. Oh no he didn't! I slapped his hand back. He gave it right back. I slapped him back. Ya'll, it was nuts! We were having an all out handsie war right there in class!
That's when it happened. That when that dumb bitch Mrs Goldman thought that enough was enough and stopped the class to yell at me and Kelb. "Go pull a bus!" she said. Pulling a bus mean you had to pull the laminated construction paper cutout of a buss velcroed to the wall next to your name. This was step 1 of a disciplinary road to destruction. The removal of that green bus was the gateway drug to a life of crime. It was what marijuana is to heroin. (ha, fucking morons) I ended up pulling many busses, gumballs, stars, and hair the remainder of my elementary - college years.
It was at this moment that I realized that he wasn't worth it. Fuck Caleb. How could he lead me down this path. He wasn't even that fun and his legs weren't even that cool. Until I looked into his eyes. He cried. He cried like a bitch. I cried too, but like a man. I did have a mustache in grade school. He cried like a baby back bitch, and the best part is he had two magnifying glasses taped together glued to his head as glasses. He was one of those kids that had glasses that wrapped all the way around the ear because he was too stupid to keep them on his face. He also was one of those kids that always had eye patches on...and as a kid you're wondering, "why the fuck does this fake ass pirate have an eye patch on? And why does it switch from eye to eye throughout the school year?" So his tears were magnified 300X which he deserves for getting me into trouble. I hated Caleb.
Well that's how it all started. Stay tuned for part II. Caleb hates this story, and claims I add more details each time I tell it. I feel like I tell him the story more than anyone else, just to remind him of the events that lead to....THE LOCKER.
A few notes from tonight's blog, this whole time I thought the word "laminated" was "elaminated".
